To do list - Boyfriend criterial

You have to check this outon the To do list blog, Wednesday May 3. Criteria for a boyfriend.

My favourite criteria: its a toss up between darns his own socks and keeps me warm.

We should all have such a to do list.

Babies everywhere

They are being fruitful and multiplying like crazy.

My friends that is.

I know I'm in that age range, but holy geez, so many of my friends are having them. I just got news of another one today! Don't get me wrong. I am very happy for them. But it means that it is much more evident that I am not having them. And I want them. But not bad enough to want them alone - I don't really want to get friendly with a sperm bank...

And of course, it reinforces that they are in a couple and I am not.

OK, no more pessimism here. I figure I have six good years to have children, so I better continue working on my plan.

Do guys read self-help books?

I found myself in the self-help section of the bookstore the other day and browsed through the relationship dating-booster, how-do-I-meet a guy, how-do-I-marry-a-guy, how-do-I-save-my-marriage, how-can-I-get-over-my-divorce-and-meet-the-other-mr.right books aimed at women.
Which got me wondering why there are so many books for women to meet men. Why is it that we girls want all the help?

And it got me wondering if guys read self help books to meet girls.

Does anybody know?

Just when I thought nothing would happen

I had more or less given up on my great plan by November, but I was at a party and, lo and behold, a guy asked for my phone number.

To make a long story short, this was a guy my friends wanted to introduce me to, and I was convinced he had approched me because my friends had talked to him (see previous post). I later found out that this was not the case, and I now know realize no one makes anyone ask for numbers, ask someone out, etc.... Of course, when I realized that he asked for my number from his own free will, I couldn't help to feel flattered. Needless to say, I have "issues".

When he finally called me a few days later, I was very nervous, and I discovered that I steered things from the beginning as soon as he called...a big no-no. For example, he offered to take me to dinner or a movie, I suggested coffee instead, partly because I was nervous, and partly because I was convinced he was coerced into asking for my number. (I know, I know). In any event, I later realized it was I who cut the evening short.

Anyway, I emailed him a few days later, and tried to provide an opening for him to ask me out picking up on something he had expressed an interest in doing when we talked over coffee. He came to pick me up at my building and walked me home after, and it was a very nice evening.

We saw each other 2 more times amongst our friends in common.....the last time at a party right before Christmas. So, I'm not sure if things will go any further, and I'm not sure it was a great roaring success. It is what it is.

But at least, my modest efforts lead to something in 2005.

And, I learned something, actually MANY things, about myself. I learned that I have to learn to "go with the flow", that I do have to be more open to be approachable, that I can steer things with body language and my choice of words, that I won't look silly if I smile, that I have to make a bit more effort, and that I liked getting ready to go out with a guy.

And, much more important for me, I feel I have become a bit more comfortable in speaking with guys in a social setting.

Like a friend and my mother, who had toasted me with good luck on Jan 1 2005, told me last week, there is still next year. All I can do is take the lessons from 2005 and hopefully 2006 will be better.

Thanks for reading this year, and for the advice.

I'll continue to keep you posted in 2006.

Happy New Year!

Can I have your phone number?

I have great friends. They had apparently tried to fix me up with a guy they know.
He asked for my number.
It has been so long (years, I swear) since any guy has asked for my phone number.
I gave it to him.
He said he would call soon.
He hasn't.
Not a big deal.
I guess he was undecided about it too.

New ways to meet guys that you never thought about - Part I

I bought the newspaper today from the corner store downstairs and proceeded to return to my appartment on the 10th floor using the elevator. I started reading the paper, the elevator stopped on the 6th floor, and, being absent-minded, I got off and then asked the guy who was there where I was. Got back on the elevatore, started reading again, and got off on the 9th floor. Again there was a guy waiting to take the elevator.

I live in a building where you almost never hear or see your neighbours. I probably appeared a bit like an air head today, but I shoudl learn to exploit this to meet my neighbours....

Every woman has the exact love life she wants

I can't believe I'm quoting a line from the movie The Wedding Date (not that good of a movie), but that's wehre the title comes from.

So does that mean that I want to be chronically single. I don't think so. So then why is it like that.

This is just like the people who tell me to get out there.

A guy and a girl

I've been watching the DVDs of "Un gars, une fille", (a guy, a girl) a show that was on Radio Canada.

The creator, stated that women are more tolerant of the "faults" of men, and that women's "faults" are not as easily accepted in a couple.
Do you agree?

The show is really good. A lot of the insecurities I have are reflected in that couple. Like the woman needing reassurance that the guy loves her, putting up with each other's little quirks, money issues, what each think is quality time.

A fun show! I think the English version is on the W channel.

Meet Market IV (otherwise known as I am an Idiot)

This is beginning to becomean addiction!
I went to yet another MMA adventure, this time a friend cam for the activity and moral support.
This is a friend who has no problems finding guys to go out with, be interested in her etc.
After the activity, it was suggested the participants go out for drinks at a nearby pub. For once in my life, I (well, I would like to think it was me too, not just my friend, to whom this happens all the time anyway, but they did look at me, so there ) was asked by a couple of guys if I was going to join them.
I am an idiot...because I said I was too tired to go. It was the truth. Not sure if I should have made an effort to go. I wasn't necessarily interested in either of them, but it would have been good practice and experience.

How many other signs like this am I missing out on?

When are going to get married?

That was asked of me yesterday by my boss, when we went out for lunch as a department for my birthday!
Never did I think he would ask this.
And I received a birthday card from a friend of mine who is one day older than me telling me she was expecting a baby.

So when I had woken up on my birthday, I had convinced myself that I still had a pretty good life, despite being single, etc.... and I get these comments.

Oh well.

At least I had a good party to celebrate my birthday!

Meet Market Part III

I just went for another event with this group.
This time around, the group was more equally split.
And, again, it was fun!
No numbers exchanged, or whatever, but it was fun!

Playing with Matches

The things you find out when you are single.
Again, another play on words for we single people...Playing with Matches .
Get it?

Yesterday, I received a notice about this event in my email box from a sports association I belong to. Interestingly enough, it is not the first time I hear of it.

A few years ago, I did go to this event with a friend of mine. We paid a ticket, fretted about what to wear, went shopping (that part was fun), got dressed up. I had even told another friend of mine who at the time was in England that I would be going and right before I went out for the event, she phoned me especially to wish me luck... all the way from England.
So as for how the evening went, I think it was great for the person who is ok at mingling with hundreds of people he/she doesn't know. Not so great if you are not.
Plus, again, there were more women than men. (see Statistically Speaking for my analysis of this phenomenon in general...I repeat my question: where are all the single guys??)

Needless to say, I will not be "playing with matches" this year.

Meet Market Part II

So, my activity was yesterday. 18 people who don't know each other met at a predetermined point for an afternoon.
The quick summary is that it was fun, not as nerve wracking as I thought it might be, and I might try another activity soon. Unfortunately, the ratio was about 66% women. Maybe that's why it was not as nerve wracking.
;-)
I am not sure that I'll meet a guy this way, but at least I do things I like and might at least make new friends.
All this to say, no connection made yesterday, but it was still a good time. (Believe me, I really wish that I had something more interesting to say! Thanks to all those who were interested.)

Now, what else can I try???? Half the year (5/12 really) is gone, and still no cure...

Meet Market

I kid you not, there is a group called Meet Market Adventures ... and I've gone and signed up for one their events next week. Not a bad idea, if you think about it, at least you can meet people. Mix single people together while doing an activity - scuba diving, cooking, rock climbing, etc.
I'm just worried again about feeling all nervous and goofy.
Oh well.
I'm looking forward to the activity I signed up for, though.
Will report back...

Soul mate vs suitable mate

I guess I'm wondering if we are now in an era (at least in North America) where people who couple off are most likely to pair off with a soul mate or a suitable mate.

Why the question? I have been wondering for some time this question for myself...shoud I "look" for a suitable husband as opposed. This may be irrelevant because the truth is, I feel I should "look" for a guy who would be "looking" for me too! But with my advancing age, I wonder if I will ever find this person.

I can imagine that once upon a time, a good match was determined on how good a provider the man was, what housekeeping skills, etc the woman had, their families, their religion, their education, to determine a suitable match. That is not to say that there never was the search for soul mate. I just think we now have the luxury of remaining single instead of marrying a perhaps suitable person that is not a soul mate.

Jealousy

Of course, it is a little disheartening to read blogs like this one http://sxylilsteph.blogspot.com/ about a supposed 17 year old with, and I quote, the best boyfirend in the world!!!!!
I have always wondered why there are people who meet boyfriends or girlfriends, whatever the case may be, and others, like me, who do not.
Do I have a sign on my forehead that says don't come near me?
Am I not doing something I should be doing?
Am I doing something I shouldn't be doing?


ps, I stopped writing for a little while, but now I'm back. I thought this blog would help me change my attitude, or whatever was needed, to get me out of my chronically single status.
Unfortunately, there is nothing to chronicle except for my discouragement...and here you have it.

Single's events

OK, I'm back.
A few hectic things happened in my life and unlike some of you may think, I did not disappear because I found the cure! (but I live in hope it is near!!)

So I decided to go to another singles event. This will be the 3rd time. Everytime it was with a different organization.
The first time was at a local museum that holds events for singles. I was panic stricken the whole time and my usually shy friend was the talkative one. That was a weird experience. Also, the crowd was a little bit older than what I expected.
The second time I was convinced by a friend to go to a dance. Unfortunately, when they sold tickets, they didn't try to split them 50% male 50% female, so it appeared to be 75% female.
The 3rd time will be next week. I am going to a martini night with 500 people attending (I bought ticket number 480-something).
So now I have to psych myself to try and smile more, look people in the eye(!), and keep my arms to my side. I think I need to psych myself for more than that...like make myself go up to a guy and talk to him. The thought of doing that scares me to death...what if he'll think I'm stupid or crazy or whatever!!!
I need help.

There are others out there...

I guess I always knew it, but I thought I was pretty clever when I came up witht he term chronically single for myself.

Research on the internet has uncovered the following (I'm a scientific girl too, remember)

1. The first step is know ing you have a problem
Are you a chronically single woman
The TEST
How many of these statements do you agree with?
1. I have a hard time making or sustaining eye contact with attractive men.
2. I am afraid to let a man see my interest in him.
3. It takes a lot of sex appeal to get a man's attention.
4. The idea of letting someone really know me is very frightening.
5. It is better to have a lover you wouldn't marry than to be alone.
6. Once I nail down a commitment with a man, I can start trying to change him.
7. It is important that my parents approve of the man I marry.
8. Relationships require too much work.
9. I hate conflict, and avoid it like the plague.
10. Stable men are boring.
11. Men are a pain in the butt; I can't live with them and I can't live without them.
12. Getting married will require giving up something important to me.
If you agree with 3 or more of these statements, you are probably a chronically single woman.

Comment from cs-girl: As it turns out, I do agree with 3 or more of these statements. I don't know that I want to tell you what they are yet, except that #1 is very true!!


2. Further Identification of the Problem and Hints for a solution
Singles Help Center Relationship Class: How to Stop Being Single
Comment from cs-girl: There's an e-course on how to stop being single!

3. The Cure
Reystar Dating

Has an article on the Cure for Being Chronically single. Here's an exerpt:
Being single and especially being chronically single is likethat. Think of it as chronic singles disease--I know, this sounds depressing. But looking at being single this way can alsogive you hope. If being single is a "disease" then there must bea "cure." And there is.But the "cure" comes at a cost. The cost is hard work. You must overcome certain personality characteristics you will find hardto overcome and take actions that seem inconvenient and out ofyour comfort zone.The end result of the "cure" is love.
Are you willing to deal with the "cure" to get love? If you say yes, here is one action I will challenge you to take right now. Yes, it will be hard and out of your comfort zone, but we have already established this is what the "cure" will involve.
Start by widening your social circle.
Here's why:}}You need support for being single and in the early stages of arelationship.
}} You need something fun to do while being single and in theearly stages of a relationship so that your new partner isnot your only source of fun.
}} You want to cast a wide net and get to know the many friendsof your many friends, to increase your chance of meeting your right person.
}} You are a social animal with social needs that need to be met. You need to meet these before you get into arelationship and while you are in one.
}} You can learn about some of your relationship issues infriendships, before these issues ruin your relationship.

Comment from cs-girl: no mention of Lavalife ;-)...Seriously, for another post, I will see what I have to challenge about my own comfort zone. I am workng on the social circle.

4. The indepth analysis`
Chronically single women wonder what the problem is.

Some women are not so much ashamed of who they are, as they are unsure. Such a woman fails to express herself because she does not know what to express. She therefore does not attract many men--not because they dislike her, but because they can't see her. When a woman is uncertain about who she is, she will instinctively defend herself by avoiding real contact with others. She will therefore do such things as avoid eye contact, keep her conversations superficial, act aloof, avoid opportunities to get closer to others and demean herself in the presence of others. The fear of being known is really the fear of being rejected, and it may cause a woman to behave in such a way that she will not be known at all.

Comment from cs-girl: this is only a short paragraph from the whole page, but this is about as close as what I can find that identifies what I do and how I feel...

Pathetic, no?


ps. This is actually helping. I look forward to your comments.

3rd wheel, 5th wheel, Pick any odd numbered wheel

This is the problem with socializing with couples when you are single. Especially if you are the only single person with two or more couples. Like when you suggest to go out for dinner. No one says anything (well, why would they), but I am pretty sure I stick out like a sore thumb. I had to convince myself that no one is forcing these couples to spend time with me, they are my friends, and actually, it's nice to get to know my friends' better halves (there's an old fashioned term).

Apart from making me envious, the plus side to seeing these relationships is that I get to observe how they interact with each other.

5 reasons why I think its great to be in a relationship (there are more, but this is what is coming to mind right now)
1. Hugs! I know it sounds needy, but I don't care.
2. Someone to laugh with
3. Someone to be with, do things with
4. Someone to cook for and eat with (I never realized how social an act eating could be)
5. Someone to care for and someone who cares about you

I know it is not the best romantic movie, but the American version of Shall We Dance had a nice line about marriages I believe, something about one of the reasons we want to be in a marriage is to have someone who is a witness to our life. I really liked that thought.

5 reasons why its ok to still be single:
1. No bickering with the better half
2. No one tho share decisions with or to check with when there is an engagement
3. No problem scheduling 'alone time'
4. I can do, eat, sleep, buy, etc what I want when I want

I couldn't think of a 5th one right now.

Despite this comparison, I think that I would rather be alone than in a bad relationship, but to the powers that be out there: I WOULD STILL RATHER NOT BE SINGLE.

On a lighter note...Getting to know myself

Thanks to Cesca for making me discover this website to find out more about myself! After doing the quizzes, I found out that the following
*How Gemini Are You? I am 73% Gemini (I thought I ws 100% Gemini?)
*What colour is your passion ... My Passion is Gray (Ick! who has Gray passion? Although it is a convenient explanation as to why I am a cs-girl and hence the cry for help with this blog!)
*Are you romantic or realistic...You Are A Romantic, you are more romantic than 80% of the population. (there is hope!)
*What is your seduction style...Ideal lover (more sign of hope)
*What kind of intelligence do you have?...Your Dominant Intelligence is Logical-Mathematical Intelligence (not sure how this applies to the subject at hand)
*Do you have a type A personality...I have a Type A Personality (again, not sure how this applies but confirms what a few people have said about me.)

Well, it was fun trying these quizzes...

Does Lava Life really work?

I am getting pressure - and I really mean pressure - from a certain person to sign on to Lava Life... and to make this worse, a friend I saw over the weekend, who is in a 2+ year relationship after meeting a guy the old fashioned way (ie, at salsa dance lessons) told me I should go on Lava Life. And isn't it always people who are in happy committed long term relationships who kindly tell you "Have you tried Lava Live?"
Now, I have heard of at least 2 people who met their spouses on Lava Life, so I guess it does work, and of at least 2 ok relationships... but the fears remain.
Does anyone have anything good or bad to say about Lava Life???
Did you meet your soul mate?
Were they all creeps? (I know, I know, of course not!)
Did you do it just for fun and it worked out for you?
Is this just the reality of meeting people these days?
Many questions, but I do have a few fears that may be alleviated by your answers.
So I am trying to decide if I will go on this Lava Life, but what in tarnation am I supposed to write about myself?
And I do have fears, of writing the wrong thing, of meeting someone strange, and many others that I won't bore you with. So if you had any fears, went on Lava Life and found your fears were unfounded, Speak Up and Be Heard (at least by me!) - share your experience.

Statistically speaking

There has been a lot of talk over the last few days about the number of single people in Canada. I had to check this out after I heard (a friend also heard the same thing) that there are 7 or 8 million people in Canada. If you go to the It's just lunch web site, they say there are 13 million singles in Canada! After consulting Stats Can, I see there are actually 13,338,363 singles, 7,138,065 are males.

Even better, you can do a search for single, never married guys between 20 and 44, in the North West Territories or PEI or Alberta, bla bla bla if you are willing to pay...

I am cheap and I always loved math. So, here is my crude estimation (ie don't ask where I got these numbers):
For the sake of arguement let's say there are 30 million people in Canada (30,007,094 according to Stats Can)
23.79% of Canadians are single males.
Eliminate 15% of that for single guys looking for single guys
Eliminate 1/2 for non compatible age groups.

Grand Total: 3, 033,677 potentially eligible single guys in Canada.
Wow.

Interpretation of results (I am somewhat of a scientific girl after all):
WHERE ARE ALL YOU GUYS HIDING!!!!

Be mine, valentine

I always used to like Saint Valentine's day. I do agree that it is an over-commercialized holiday. However, I always liked the idea of having a day dedicated to love...
All this to say that this year, I am finding it a bit difficult, especially because I decided that it is the "year of the cure" and 1.5 months have passed and still nada.
Methinks I need an action plan. Hmmm.

Advice from the experts - Part I

Not much is happening, so I thought I would look for some external help. So, I just took out a book from the library called - Dating: A survival guide from the frontline.
We'll see where it takes me. The author is Josey Vogels of My Messy Bedroom fame.
Does anyone have any other suggestions to add to my learning library?

Can we be friends?

Seriously, can guys and girls really be friends? For some it is a categorical no...and for others a cautious, not-so-emphatic yes.

Hence the debate.

There are 3 guys that I can count as friends. The first one was married when I met him, so that was easy. The next 2 are guys who I think never really saw me as a girl girl. But then again, I get all shy and awkward whenever I meet a potentially single guy, whether or not I am interested in him, in a social situation. All this to say that despite wanting to increase my social circle to include more guys, I truly am not the greatest point of reference for this discussion because of my utter failure in realizing this goal.

But, it still makes me wonder if true friendship can occur between a girl and a guy.

I wonder if there is always a tension between a guy and girl who try to stay "just friends", especially if both are single, if they watch what they say to each other, if they are cautious about how they act together, if they analyze and interpret the other person's actions. Could one of them have the underlying hope that the friendship could lead to something more whereas the other one really only wants the friendship?

Oddly enough, despite being one of those that believes that guys and girls can be friends, I always thought that the best relationship for me would be to have a friendship that would evolve into something more. Needless to say, due to the aforementionned shyness, this has yet to happen (sigh). So, another question I have is : Does this scenario really work?

Body language

Whoever said that writing down your goals was a first step in acheiving them was onto something because today, an opportunity presented itself and I took advantage of it.

Surprise of surprises, I went out salsa dancing tonight and got asked to dance 3 times, twice by the same guy who asked if I was going to come back another night.
This is monumental for me, the chronically single girl, because typically when I go salsa dancing, I stand in my lonely corner, arms crossed in front of me. I know I do this because a friendly observer, who is my friend's boyfriend and salsa lover, informed me that when I stand with my arms crossed, all guys think I am saying "Stay back! Way, way back!"

This leads me to believe that my brother's swinging arms theory may acturally hold water. When I was in my early 20's, he suggested that I would attract more guys if I swung my arms as I walked, instead of keeping them stiff to my side. Who knew that arms communicated so much? Eyes, lips, hands even, I agree...but arms?

Lesson learned: Put your arms to your side and try to look like you are having fun.

2005 - The year of the cure

The cure for what, you might ask? The cure for being chronically single, of course! I know I am not the only one to use this nickname, but it does seem to suit me in that I am (never mind) years old and have never been in a relationship. But I don't want to stay that way! I am tired of wondering what is wrong with me, why I have difficulty meeting guys, why guys are not attracted to me, etc. So, I smartened up and realized that this was not the right way to think. I convinced myself that this year is my year to find a cure for the chronic position in which I find myself. Specifically, I decided to try new approaches to meet people, try new things, and most importantly, take constructive criticism, advice, etc. from others. Plus, I am trying to open my eyes to what I am doing that is hindering any prospect of curing my chronically single status. Not to mention that on New Year's day, my mother, who I was convinced had given up on me ever getting married and has never said anything to me about being single, wished that I would find the right guy.

And there is a bit more background to explain how I started to call myself the cs-girl (chronically single girl)...
Recently, I have prefaced the advice I give to my friends who are in relationships with: "If you would like the advice from the chronically single girl...". One might think that the chronically single may not know much about relationships, but it is indeed amazing what one in my position learns after observing and listening and reflecting on what others do. And the best part is, they actually take my advice!!!

So, how do I propose to use this Blog? I will use it to take advice on what I should do from you, but also share my insight with others about their relationships. Write to me about what you are going through in your relationship, how you cured yourself from being chronically single, and any other thoughts on the subject.
One last thing...for the record, I really have been chronically single (more on that in another post), but, as it says in the title, (hopefully) not for long.
See you soon!
cs-girl